Happy Valentine's Day to The Divorced | Sharing My Story
Oh man, where to begin, on a Hallmark holiday that, depending on where you stand, may sometimes feel like it can represent exactly everything that you don’t have and everything you long for…at least it felt like that for me from time to time in the past. I don’t know how many of you reading this already know my story, but by age 27 I was engaged, married & divorced. It definitely was not what I mapped out for my 20s to look like and It certainly was not what society made me feel was “normal” or acceptable to have as a part of my story. Especially being so young, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Divorced? In my twenties of all things?
Everything I was told about your twenties was that it was supposed to be the time of your life. The divorce was hard. The way I was treated & disrespected in my marriage was hard. The way I was treated during and after the divorce was hard, but honestly, what breaks my heart the most is what low self worth I had throughout the entire process, even before the engagement. As the saying goes, how you love yourself is how you teach others how to love you.
To be entirely honest, I think I went into that marriage feeling like my looks were the most important thing about me. It wasn’t in a conceited way, but in a way that meant I had to look beautiful to get someone to keep me or else their eyes would wander elsewhere. During that marriage and after I dealt with a few experiences of guys cheating on me, not being as honest with me as I would have hoped, or even just making me feel like I’m replaceable, like there’s nothing special about me. My ability to see the good in people or give the benefit of the doubt seemed to be taken advantage of. If you are either in a relationship that feels like that, or if you are single and allowing your mind to go to these places- this article is here to be your sign. I truly don’t believe in coincidences.
Sure, you cannot control how other people choose to act, but you can always, with some digging, choose how you can best interpret those actions and words. You can choose how you let these experiences affect your self worth. You can choose how you respond. At the end of the day, you need to know that you are not replaceable. You need to know that you never ever ever ever need to lower your standards of what you believe you deserve in order to feel loved or accepted.
“At the end of the day, you need to know that you are not replaceable. You need to know that you never ever ever ever need to lower your standards of what you believe you deserve in order to feel loved or accepted. ”
Before I started spending more time reflecting within myself and the value I carry, I think I spent the majority of time in a relationship thinking I needed to prove myself: prove my beauty, prove my intelligence, prove my success…when in reality, I didn’t need to prove anything about myself— especially in the name of love. We are never our best selves when our actions are stemmed from a foundation of insecurity. I am no exception.
Insecure. That is a great way to describe how I felt throughout the divorce process and after. I was operating at a lower frequency which attracted low frequency experiences…things that I never would have allowed of myself if I was acting at my best. I won’t explain the details of when and why I hit rock bottom, but I did. And it was after the divorce. I thought it couldn’t get worse than that, but it did for me, out of my own choices. That was the hardest pill to swallow. This broken and insecure version of myself was getting taken advantage of left and right.
“Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely”— That concept struck a chord with me. I was loving out of a fear of loneliness and in the long run- it wasn’t fulfilling. Things needed to change. I needed to get to the root and understand how beautiful and valuable I was. I needed to surround myself with people who saw that and believed that in me. I needed to do whatever it took to believe it myself. I did the work. I tapped into the foundation of my faith, started meditating on the words that I was created perfectly, beautifully and purposefully EXACTLY as I am…not after I change, not after I meet that special someone, but as I am now and as I have always been. And it was only in these times of being single that I really had the full opportunity to get to know myself and understand how amazing it was to be able to live in this world as me— just me. I was enough. I could make my own money. I could make a life for myself. I could feel complete. That phrase “Being pretty is not the rent you have to pay to be a woman in this world” rings so true to me. I didn’t feel that from the inside out until I had time to be single. And you know what? I was the happiest I had ever been during my singleness after I came to this realization. For the first time I felt that exactly who I was is enough. I was happy because I was me again.
Just like how lower frequency energies and actions attract lower frequency actions, high frequency energies and actions attract high frequency actions. I eventually met Ammar, the man I get to spend the rest of my life with. And the best part is when he entered my life I didn’t feel like I “needed him” to survive. I didn’t depend on his love. I knew I was filled up enough all on my own. It has created the most beautiful relationship because we are simply here to add to each other's lives, we are not here to be each other's life line or main source of validation in our worth.
So let these words be true for you too this Valentines Day weekend: You are not replaceable. You never need to lower your standards of what you believe you deserve in order to feel loved or accepted. You were created perfectly, beautifully and purposefully exactly as you are. You don’t need to prove anything about yourself, especially in the name of love. You are not replaceable. You are not replaceable. You are not replaceable.
— Chyna